Transitional Family Support: “bonus” parent dos and don’ts
You went through a divorce, worked on seeing things through a different lens, and met someone who makes you smile and you’re excited to see again. Amazing!
Enter real life.
American author Dan Millman once said, “Life comes at us in waves. We can’t predict or control those waves, but we can turn learn to surf.” If your new love interest is with someone who has children from a prior relationship, get your sea legs ready.
What does it mean to date someone with children?
For starters, it’s not just about you and your new relationship and some cute little humans added to the mix; custody schedules, the other parent, financial obligations, these all come with their own stressors.
Per one client, he and his post-divorce girlfriend broke up because she voiced he was spending too much money on extracurricular activities (and the accessories needed for said activities) for his children. She did not have children of her own, and said she was raised very differently than he and his ex were raising their children. Understandably, when inter-relationship issues arose between the two, child rearing differences often crept into their arguments.
So how can you set yourself and your new relationship, and the children!, up for success?
Seven tips for building a relationship with step children
Take things slowly and keep your expectations in check: everyone processes change — good or challenging — at their own pace, children included. First meetings and initial reactions are just that; remember they are not necessarily an indicator how things will develop over time.
Work on communication: perhaps the children you are meeting are excited to see you, perhaps not. Talk to your partner respectfully about how you are feeling, what you are seeing, and what goals you are personally working towards in each relationship.
Get to know the child: take a walk together, help with homework, show interest in the child’s interests. Be attentive and present. Ask questions and engage with kindness to make a connection. Remember the child is likely seeing his or her parent/your partner less since splitting with the other parent. Understand big feelings might come from small humans.
Think about the child’s other parent: often the child has his or her other parent on the mind when meeting you. Be respectful both of the child’s feelings and that of the other parent. That other parent is likely wondering about you, what you’re about, and how you will be interacting with his or her child. Be transparent and put yourself in his or her shoes.
Acknowledge and be respectful of boundaries: plan activities together that the children will enjoy. Consciously give the child some alone time with his or her parent. Keep interactions light and brief at first. See comment above about processing change!
Show up authentically: this should be obvious, but don’t try to be someone you are not. Share what you love, what you find funny, something you have always wanted to do, but haven’t yet. Your stories may not forge an instant bond, but you are showing what makes you you, and that’s something to celebrate.
Be your partner’s ally: remember it’s all about teamwork. This is probably new for all of you, being self aware and coming from a place of kindness is your best bet for success.
Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington said in her book, “For Better of Worse: Divorce Reconsidered” that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years, on average. It will be hard, it will test you, but you are investing in yourself and relationships that you have deemed worth it. Enjoy the ride.
If you or someone you know is facing a challenging time around a family transition, coaching can help. Click HERE to schedule a free introductory meeting.
